A recent (unscientific) poll of Minnesotans revealed something revealing: Apparently, Minnesotans actually enjoy their basements. When asked what feature of the basement they most liked, the respondents responded, “the humdrumminess.”

But just what gives a Minnesota basement that drab flavor?

Well, low-budget is a must. And if you have the space, consider creating something vast and gloomy. Obviously, include a soul-sucking palette. Anything brown is perfect. That color can literally suck a soul and send it straight to The Basement. (Scary!)

What about a “rec room”? Is that different than a basement?

No. A rec(reation) room  is just a basement with bells and whistles. Sure, it might be the primary space for a family to gather but don’t let that overstuffed sofa fool you. That sofa spells one thing, “b-o-r-i-n-g.”

*This basement could hardly be called humdrummy; therefore, cannot even be considered a favorite by any true Minnesota. Just look at that man playing the guitar! He’s obviously not from around here. And that woman sipping wine! In a basement! I think not.

*Pine paneling, chrome-legged bar stools, a real ice-bucket?! That’s more like it. I betcha there’s a mini-fridge behind that bar.

* A Lazy-Boy AND a pool table?! But what’s with the egress window? A basement should not only be generically decorated, it should be hazardous. This one gets a C+.

*If ever there was a basement paradox, it would be the church basement. The pinnacle of Minnesota basements. So versatile, so generic, so dull! Minnesotans like their church basements the way they like their church-basement-coffee: blandtastic.

*Yes, this is a Minnesota basement. It meets all of the requirements: A) It’s below ground. B) That 2-story chandelier is the definition of dull, yeah… we get it, you’re a light fixture. C) And those 9′ diameter columns! So utilitarian! And come on, a reflecting pool? That’s just a fancy sewer back-up. Duh.

Did I mention that Minnesotans like their references dated?

Um, fashion czarina Diana Vreeland didn’t once famously quip “Poor, darling fellow – he died of food. He was killed by the dinner table” for nothing.