Just one word out of the waiter’s mouth and I find myself in some sort of trance. An overload of taste-based adjectives leaves me distracted and usually thirsty for something that contains alcohol. I wait patiently for the mouth-watering description to end and usually order the very last thing mentioned. I can’t help it, everything else just becomes some sort of pecorino-radicchio-reduced-ribolita-rouille with aioli blur.

Thank goodness I have Mpls. St Paul Magazine (and Adam Platt et al!) They cut right though the confit and (annually) break down the local restaurants in one digestible (yeah, I said that) issue. The critics have this to say about that little (just kidding) Indian restaurant, OM: “OM is our first high-style Indian restaurant that plays refined flavors against an alluring and seductive space dripping with beautiful people and their sassy cocktails.” They’ve even named it one of their “New Favorites”. Hmm, how lovely.

Oh, and readers agree with the critics (or is it the other way around?) and think OM is the best Indian restaurant in town. Nice!

A recent (unscientific) poll of Minnesotans revealed something revealing: Apparently, Minnesotans actually enjoy their basements. When asked what feature of the basement they most liked, the respondents responded, “the humdrumminess.”

But just what gives a Minnesota basement that drab flavor?

Well, low-budget is a must. And if you have the space, consider creating something vast and gloomy. Obviously, include a soul-sucking palette. Anything brown is perfect. That color can literally suck a soul and send it straight to The Basement. (Scary!)

What about a “rec room”? Is that different than a basement?

No. A rec(reation) room  is just a basement with bells and whistles. Sure, it might be the primary space for a family to gather but don’t let that overstuffed sofa fool you. That sofa spells one thing, “b-o-r-i-n-g.”

*This basement could hardly be called humdrummy; therefore, cannot even be considered a favorite by any true Minnesota. Just look at that man playing the guitar! He’s obviously not from around here. And that woman sipping wine! In a basement! I think not.

*Pine paneling, chrome-legged bar stools, a real ice-bucket?! That’s more like it. I betcha there’s a mini-fridge behind that bar.

* A Lazy-Boy AND a pool table?! But what’s with the egress window? A basement should not only be generically decorated, it should be hazardous. This one gets a C+.

*If ever there was a basement paradox, it would be the church basement. The pinnacle of Minnesota basements. So versatile, so generic, so dull! Minnesotans like their church basements the way they like their church-basement-coffee: blandtastic.

*Yes, this is a Minnesota basement. It meets all of the requirements: A) It’s below ground. B) That 2-story chandelier is the definition of dull, yeah… we get it, you’re a light fixture. C) And those 9′ diameter columns! So utilitarian! And come on, a reflecting pool? That’s just a fancy sewer back-up. Duh.

Did I mention that Minnesotans like their references dated?

Um, fashion czarina Diana Vreeland didn’t once famously quip “Poor, darling fellow – he died of food. He was killed by the dinner table” for nothing.

I’ve never been to India and air travel is just so 1999. Right?

I’d way rather go to Om.

What’s Om?? WHAT’S OM?? I can only blame myself for the ignorance – had I been here 6 months ago, you all would be soaking up the opulent Indian vibe and sucking down the Kamasutra. I SAID, sucking down the Kamasutra. It’s a drink. A drink for grown-ups.

Remember Nate’s? That place where guys went to get sport jackets and, say, a nice pair of slacks? In the Warehouse District… You know… across from the army surplus store where you went to get all your Y2K supplies?? Ohhh, THAT Nate’s!

Okay, so that place is gone – and let me just say that the whole “adaptively reused” thing is Stunning. You heard me. Tanek took a washed up old hag of a building and made it shine like a two-story chandelier.

LIKE A TWO-STORY CHANDELIER.

Watch this: